Im going to write out what ive been feeling.

and bore back /n t/me

why are you pretending you are ok? you should be chastising me. you should be telling me how you feel.

I was angry at you after the con, but after talking
I realized that what went wrong was my actions not yours and now I feel really horrible.

You said that I said the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to them.

why does everything no so much space.

I think it’s important bc I think you care very much abt the maintenence of relationships and in general you are a careful communicator and someone has interpreted your actions as the opposite in a way that doesn’t allow for a mutual understanding to happen….
it doesn’t make it the New truth about you though, it’s more like, a reflection of the space around him?
He has never seen someone act like you did before.

I still hurt him though…

Like you are, to some degree willing to adapt your reality to include you-as-harmful. I think this is why it’s so upsetting. But they aren’t willing to adapt their reality to include you-as-unintentionally-harmful. It’s a really rigid and un-generous position to take.

I can’t really get around how he is interpreting me. It feels like the worst possible interpretation of my words.

I feel like i cant even explain myslef without him thinking im trying to dismiss my behavior

The vibes are, I say I wasnt yelling and he’s just like, yup sounds like what an abuser would say.

This happened to me in the spring and I lost a friend after a collab went bad, a friend thought I was trying to gaslight her when I honestly had no idea what she was being weird abt.


He even ended a friendship with someone he seemed like he really liked because it was bad optics to be friends with them.

He seems like he fears that he will be called out as an impostor for hanging out with problematic people or something.

I was going to call you about it but its such a jumble I was like I need to finish my thoughts before I even call Juliet…

But I’ve been thinking about it nonstop since I’ve known him a long time and he’s kinda puritanical.

He said he’s heart broken because he thought I was a better person. He’s like really really hurt by what I did.

Its so hard to reconcile diff relaties when one person is hurt.

Other people’s heads are the most terrifying thing in the world. 


pretend everything   is ok

                        since itsnot       

It seems to much more like you are avoiding me
and not like you are busy with school.

He tripped over my backpack
I said something, fuck was one of the words.
     I told him to put it on the bed,
     The f/ck/ng bed?
I ran into the kitchen,
Yuka was saying the food was burning.
     I came back in the room.
He was going through my bag, r/mm/g/ng
looking for the
broken parts.

I said something.
He said something.
    He was angry/upset
He mentions earlier, during the walk back to the airbnb.

I say the most hurtful thing he has ever heard anyone say to him in his life.

*Que the Banjo*
*The Bass*
*Guitar 1*

The group gets ready to go on stage.
The Trombone is there
*Que the Pine*

Was it heavy handed?
Did I yell?
how much yelling did i do? was I my mom or my dad?
what were the words, themeanings.

I said he should have walked back on his own to get medication?
Did i say he shouldnt have forgotten it? Did i chastise him? I probably chastised him.

I mentioned the electric guy.  denki no hito
I mention how upset Charlie was at the lunch. I couldnt stand it, he completely checked out because the guy was with us.
I feel like I eat up all of his attention talking to him because I didnt want anyone else to have to talk to him.
charlie even texted me that he didnt want the guy around. no one else noticed he was being annoying.

I needed to make a brake from the guy. We could go down another street then usual, so he would go back to to con.

im sorry, i cant finish recalling this.


this section hurts and is pathetic.

what exactly did i think i was going to acomplish looking into the past.

you avoided me when i dated /

then we talked alot, more each month after you got back from korea.

then things were good.
the calls i miss
listening to you talk

look im not looking for you to reciprocate my emotionsits not that kind of thing/it wouldnt make sense/its a rollercoaster/unstable

remember this picture?      Oof

That furry
Deer in general

There is like a really big list of people I was intimidated by/ told you negative things about because i was intimidated by. I tried to remember that furries name but you literally never seem to use it in the chat history and im just the worst with names.


These are the good wholesome peeps


double oof

There is a single message that rips me apart when I see it.

I’m a little anxious like before a rollercoaster because I don’t know how to deal wtih these emotions!


I am really perturbed that you didn’t block me. I feel like I have it coming and you just didn’t do it because its what I would want.

You can see where I am going here.

This limbo sucks and I don’t like it because it sucks.

Like I understand things should feel painful and people are fucked up and relationships go sour.

And I am the aggressor here, the one making the mistakes and hurting you specifically. its really hard to write this stuff without lashing out at you. 

In the end I need to lash out in waysthat dont make sense. I do yell and I am not-at-all ok. These are all clearly things that will not work for you. in a clearly inherently incomparable kind of way.
Im sorry I was the first person to ever yell at you like that. I know its yelling, but its not at all yelling from where I come from. consider it some kind of trauma ive been through thrown at you like the shit that it is.

Im sorry I painted a picture of me thats less bad-emotional then I actually am. I dont know where to go from here. this whole mess of a writing is clearly unfinished but its not going to get better or worse.

I really want you to take action, some kind of action. I dont know at all really but do something genuine to how you feel.

Lastly, sorry I turned this into an art-piece, its really the only way I’m able to process my emotions in any meaningful way.